Germany wasn’t on my bucket list. I don’t even have a list. The only reason I use it to name my travel posts is because I like the way they look on my travel page, all nicely lined up.
The original plan was to stop at Bruges on the way from Amsterdam to Paris, but the prospect of spending a day with my childhood friend, riding on an autobahn, while still adding another country to the itinerary outweighed my desire to see the exact spot where the body of a killer plopped down from the tower in that one movie. A chance to see the famous Cologne Cathedral in person and me having only a vague idea of how to make the trip from Amsterdam to Bruges and still make it to Paris the same night tipped the scale and the next morning we were on the way to Düsseldorf.
Face:
I was underwhelmed by the autobahn. Besides not having a speed limit in some places it wasn’t that much different from the stretch of I-70 between Kansas City and St.Louis. My friend drove fairly fast on some stretches, but just like here we were frequently slowed down by construction and slow drivers in the passing lane. My eye was missing my favorite highway entertainment – the billboards. It took about 2.5 hours to arrive in Düsseldorf.
Düsseldorf turned out to be a lively town with an interesting but fairly generic historic center and a large and expensive shopping district. That one restaurant downtown with a German name serves the best liver I’ve ever had. Make sure to check it out while you there.
Recently through the magic of Facebook an article came to my attention. Bruised Kansas by Jeffrey Ann Goudie laments the transformation of the State of Kansas from a state on the forefront of racial equality and “proud history of women in politics” to a state where Governor Brownback autocratically imposes his “boilerplate political agenda”.
The only thing missing was one of those before and after photos that get passed around on the internet.
When I read the article, I kept thinking that the author must not be living in the same Kansas I live in; one can argue that Johnson County, KS is not representative of the entire state, but I am fairly familiar with a large part of it, having driven thousands of miles on my semi-frequent road trips to familiarize myself with the state where I made my home for the past 20 years. During that time I have met many Kansans, had candid conversations with countless acquaintances and coworkers not necessarily constrained by Codes of Business Conduct and unnecessary politeness, so I have a pretty good idea about the people I am surrounded with in my daily life, and, boy, is this state RED.
I’d be the first one to defend Kansas for being unfairly maligned, but not because the criticism and stereotyping is misplaced, but because, in most cases, it’s coming from places that are no better and not much further along on the scale of progress. I will never stop saying that people of Kansas are some of the most kind, helpful, compassionate people I’ve ever met. But boy, is this state RED.
And God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful, and multiply…
Genesis 1:28
Evolution is a great thing. In a world without evolution only beautiful people would be able to reproduce and the Earth would be populated with the clones of Fabio (or as someone admitted – John Edwards) and Julia Roberts. Enter an unfortunate side-effect of the looks-based-reproduction, namely a gradual lowering of the worldwide average IQ. Here is where the evolution came up with an ingenious solution of supplying the below-average-looking fat males with small genitalia with a an amazing tool-set for seducing beautiful women of their dreams who otherwise wouldn’t even grant such males a second look.
My non-existent love life automatically makes me an expert perfectly qualified to write the following article. If you are a good-looking male, with a perfect body and an award-winning penis, this is how far you should read. I am pretty sure you are starting to get a headache from all the big words I’ve used so far. You’ve won in the genetic lottery and your existence assures that all of the mankind doesn’t look like me. Thanks for being there for us, go do a few crunches or something.
We can now continue without that one douche-bag who just left. Males of many species have different ways of attracting the most beautiful and unavailable females; from peacock’s tails to the giant deer antlers, the natural world is full of examples of males getting what they want when otherwise they wouldn’t have any chance. Just like our smaller brothers we have some things we can use to inject our ugly but smart DNA into the human gene pool. These do not require any special effort, like exercise or diet; you probably already have some or all of them as you read this.
1. A foreign accent. Contrary to popular belief, a foreign accent is not a handicap. In the love game it’s probably one of the best assets you can have. Accents drive women crazy and sometimes just after a few words she will do anything to hear more of your randomly swapped v’s and w’s or, even better, a whole word in your native tongue.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6QUFqiJx9k
Few words of warning on the accents: two similar accents cancel each other out. If you are both from Australia, all the talk about shrimps and barbies will not turn her on. On the contrary, the other person’s accent becomes annoying and embarrassing. Another note of caution: if your accent makes you sound like Larry The Cable Guy, you better have his kind of money to be able to seduce the woman of your dreams unless it’s Nancy Grace.
2. Learn to cook something from scratch. To impress a woman you don’t need to be a Wolfgang Puck, you just need to be able to cook something she’ll like preferably without using any recipes you got from watching Semi-Homemade Cooking show on the Food Network. Whether it’s a steak, a hamburger, fried chicken or borscht, it’s the process and your skill that will fascinate her, so Shake’n’Bake wouldn’t do the trick. Cooking may also include baking or cocktail making. Anything that only you know how to make will get you closer to the target. However, don’t go too wild unless you know who you are dealing with; she may not appreciate your Coq Au Vin but may be pleasantly surprised with Chicken and Dumplings.
3. Get a pet, and by a pet I mean a cat. Dog will not allow you to leave for those romantic long weekends and will interfere with you enjoying your morning together. Other pets may be scary, disgusting, annoying or smelly. On the other hand, virtually every woman loves a cat, and will come back to your house repeatedly just to scratch your cat behind the ear. Placing a cat photo such as this anywhere in your dating profile pretty much guarantees you a constant stream of “icebreakers”.
4. Poetry. That’s right, a poem will make your woman’s heart melt. You don’t need to be Walt Whitman, start with something simple and romantic like:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I am here naked.
Where the hell are you?
If you want to impress her even more, haiku is the way to go. I am at a disadvantage in this department since I can’t count syllables, but it doesn’t prevent me from faking it. Just make sure you always have three lines:
Writing haiku is hard,
but I try
for the hell of it.
5. Get some title or an achievement, for example you can become the Best Blogger ever or get a PhD in some obscure subject. Published works, books, photos in the local newspaper, sex tape, whatever it takes to pique her interest.
6. Impress her with your knowledge. Be careful not to bore her with a discussion on pros and cons of various Linux distributions, comic heroes and their superpowers, or some special maneuver you use to beat a game on X Box. Instead you can impress her by knowing the capital of New Hampshire, or pointing out the difference between a crocodile and an alligator.
To summarize, if you are short in all the wrong places, fat and ugly, not all is lost. Just use your accent, skills and pets to seduce the woman of your dreams and remember: it’s survival of the fittest, not necessarily better-looking.
About a month ago I posted my views on the “social media” and it became the most discussed post I ever wrote. Several people replied with comments and their own posts with their takes on the subject. So I thought it was only fitting that I write a short follow-up to the discussion.
The opinions split and I was happy that I am not alone in my dislike of the further intrusion of the annoying marketing into our lives. I realize that in the age when the dream of manned space flight an ability to skip TV commercials became our everyday reality, the businesses still need to find a way to influence consumers: product placement, sponsorships, online ads, viral infomercials and other venues are constantly being tested for their legitimacy and effectiveness. I feel that my responsibility as a consumer is to avoid these things as much as I can and, while enjoying the entertaining parts, completely ignore the marketing message. After all, the marketing people are not well-known for being concerned with the consumers, their job is to make any product look good from cigarettes, to fattening foods, to medicines that cause anal leakage and sleep-driving; I don’t feel the need or obligation to tolerate any marketing in my life.
After my post and the follow-up discussions I thought about the reasons why the social media marketing annoys me so much. Long time ago when my daughter was a toddler I used to take her to a nearby playground. On one of these days another guy was watching his kid play with mine and we had a usual playground conversation parents have – about the kids, about the weather, etc. Then for no particular reason® he started pitching some shady MLM business to me. I had to cut it short, tell him I wasn’t interested and leave to avoid further uncomfortable silence. That guy was not carrying a sign or handing out fliers, he created a personal connection with me and attempted to use it to sell something unwanted to me. This, in essence, is what’s wrong with the social media marketing: they catch you when you don’t expect it, they barge into a conversation, they pretend to be your friend while trying to influence your behavior; you have to cut your activities short and leave, unfollow, unsubscribe, add a spam filter, etc. Just to show that I am not making this up here is a quote from an email I got inviting me to a “free marketing webinar”.
Businesses now have the power to leverage the Internet – search engines, blogs, social media – to reach customers more effectively. This includes connecting with customers where they hang out online and engaging in conversations about the topics most important to them. Social CRM (Customer Relationship Management) is all about joining the ongoing conversations our customers and prospects are already having and not trying to control them. It’s realizing that people like doing business with people they like and love doing business with people they trust.
In other words: find people having conversations, barge in, sell, force the people to prevent you from intruding in the future. It was all fun when people just shared opinions online, now it’s all a “Social CRM”, the key word is “management”. To quote the rant-master himself:
*censored.
I am not saying that everyone is doing it, there are still plenty of independent and honest opinions to be found on the internet, but this trend casts a shade of distrust on many. Not that I was very trusting before.
In conclusion, here are some immortal words from George Carlin:
UPDATE: After this was written, I found another post (apparently private so it was an accident) on the subject discussing how my (and other’s) blogging caused at least one organization to try and become more transparent with their social media promotions. My issue was not with overall transparency or lack thereof; what I don’t like is a trend of creating positive coverage by stroking the “social media’s” ego, whether by preferential treatment, creating a feeling of exclusivity or giving away free stuff. I do realize that for many people being a part of an exclusive group is worth more than a free ticket or a drink.
Coincidentally, via The Food Section another thread discussing the conflict of interest and conflict in general between the wine industry, wine bloggers and professional wine critics. Many of the same sentiments expressed and the reactions range from agreement to ridicule, pretty much in the same way the opinions split in this case.
When I post the old photos from the Life Magazine Archives my secret hope is to hear from real people who either recognize a person, a place or an episode shown in the picture. For the most part the photos are not that old, so finding an eyewitness is not that far-fetched.
I was excited to hear from the grandson of Max Jaben, one of the people photographed for the Kansas City Crime series.
Making up Civella’s inner circle were; brother Cork, nephew “Tony Ripe”, gambler Max Jaben, and enforcer Carl “Tuffy” DeLuna. On the fringes was a powerful Capo named William “Willy the Rat” Cammisano, who headed a semi-autonomous crew in the vein of the Riccobene faction in Philly or the Licatas in Cleveland. Nick and Cork and Max Jaben became charter members of the first edition of Nevada’s “Black Book” in 1960.
