Due to my bad memory I now have to write down the things that grind my gear-skiy, which grinds my gear-skiy even more. So lets just get to this month’s edition:
Any business with the words “granny” or “grandma” in the name should immediately be shut down by authorities for not passing the “stress test”. There is some mortgage company whose radio commercials start with the words “Kids? Granny!”. This is one granny I can’t wait to see dead.
People who list every ingredient in their meal adding the word “organic” to it, something like “I got two slices of organic whole grain hand-ground bread, one half of an organic free-roaming hormone-less chicken breast on top, with an organic home-grown tomato and topped it off with an organic, non-GM slow-mixed dressing”. Makes me wanna eat something with a good helping of fertilizer and die.
White people who accentuate their super-correct pronunciation of Spanish words and names. Something like “Viarrrragosssssssa“. Concentrate on the other 4 Spanish words you know: taco, burrrrrrrito, cerveza and “¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!“.
Have you ever walked into a grocery store to the smell you imagine to be the smell of hell, where the combination of fire, brimstone and sinners being fried produce a distinct unbearable stench? Then you have witnessed a food demonstrator who can’t cook. It’s hard to believe what one (old) person with an electric skillet can do to stink up a store the size of a football field. This doesn’t apply to food-sampling people at Costco who only demonstrate the foods with pleasantly delicious smells.
Have you seen these electronic billboards along the highway that seem to change every 30 seconds? Sometimes it takes me 3 days to get the whole ad; most of the time I catch the beginning, middle or the end of the display in random order, not that it matters – most of them are for either Dane or David Cook (I’ll have to drive by few more times to see which one for sure). By the way, if you paid for tickets to see Dane Cook, I don’t mind losing you as a reader.
People who put bible verse numbers on their license plates. Let me get my pocket reference bible out to find out which verse you are quoting – about the “eye for an eye” (EX 21:23-27) or about not eating pork (Leviticus 11:7-8). How about just sticking with generic state-issued numbers or something less cryptic like:
And now, since we are on the photo portion of this post, here are a few more:
If you visit The Pitch’s website, this picture is probably very familiar to you, it was their illustration to the article about people who overcame the rickets.
Lastly, I am a big fan of all things multitasking, like this new supplement which can help you eliminate two opposite conditions – constipation and diarrhea, not to mention urgency. To that I say: genius! Next in the pipeline: drugs that simultaneously cure baldness and excessive hair growth, reduce and increase appetite, and always popular supplement to treat insomnia and help you stay awake at the same time.
The number (I wish I didn’t know this) is 800-GRANNY-8. The name of the company is Homestead Financial, which as far as I can tell has nothing to do with grandparenthood.
I have always wondered whether the Granny was an intentional marketing strategy, or if they asked for an 800 number, looked at what it spelled on the keypad, and went from there.
Either way, they suck.
Ugh, the Pitch finally got rid of the creepy bodybuilder with the Planet of the Apes hair, and you had to go post it again. Also, there is an ad on the left side of your blog that shows a naked postpartum belly covered with stretch marks. Is that really any better?
Yes actually it is.
great great granny 8. I wish she would eat some rat poison and shut up already. Im also with you on the Dane Cook thing, you can throw david cook in as well. Dane Cook has never got so much as a chuckle out of me, although I have laughed at david cook. They both stink up the joint, not unlike the sample lady with the electric skillet. Good post.
DLC, I actually saved the photo for you, I thought it should be preserved. Sorry I don’t see ads on my own site, they are blocked by adblock plus which I recommend. The only way I know they still exist is when I check in from work.
This made me smile. It also took me down memory lane to the one time, when I was a child, that I called my grandma “Granny”. She refused to speak to me for the next half-hour.
That’s all it took for her to get her message across.
With you on “Granny 8″ (WTF?) and trying-too-hard accents, Meesha!