Due to my bad memory I now have to write down the things that grind my gear-skiy, which grinds my gear-skiy even more. So lets just get to this month’s edition:
Any business with the words “granny” or “grandma” in the name should immediately be shut down by authorities for not passing the “stress test”. There is some mortgage company whose radio commercials start with the words “Kids? Granny!”. This is one granny I can’t wait to see dead.
People who list every ingredient in their meal adding the word “organic” to it, something like “I got two slices of organic whole grain hand-ground bread, one half of an organic free-roaming hormone-less chicken breast on top, with an organic home-grown tomato and topped it off with an organic, non-GM slow-mixed dressing”. Makes me wanna eat something with a good helping of fertilizer and die.
White people who accentuate their super-correct pronunciation of Spanish words and names. Something like “Viarrrragosssssssa“. Concentrate on the other 4 Spanish words you know: taco, burrrrrrrito, cerveza and “¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!“.
Have you ever walked into a grocery store to the smell you imagine to be the smell of hell, where the combination of fire, brimstone and sinners being fried produce a distinct unbearable stench? Then you have witnessed a food demonstrator who can’t cook. It’s hard to believe what one (old) person with an electric skillet can do to stink up a store the size of a football field. This doesn’t apply to food-sampling people at Costco who only demonstrate the foods with pleasantly delicious smells.
Have you seen these electronic billboards along the highway that seem to change every 30 seconds? Sometimes it takes me 3 days to get the whole ad; most of the time I catch the beginning, middle or the end of the display in random order, not that it matters – most of them are for either Dane or David Cook (I’ll have to drive by few more times to see which one for sure). By the way, if you paid for tickets to see Dane Cook, I don’t mind losing you as a reader.
People who put bible verse numbers on their license plates. Let me get my pocket reference bible out to find out which verse you are quoting – about the “eye for an eye” (EX 21:23-27) or about not eating pork (Leviticus 11:7-8). How about just sticking with generic state-issued numbers or something less cryptic like:
And now, since we are on the photo portion of this post, here are a few more:
If you visit The Pitch’s website, this picture is probably very familiar to you, it was their illustration to the article about people who overcame the rickets.
Lastly, I am a big fan of all things multitasking, like this new supplement which can help you eliminate two opposite conditions – constipation and diarrhea, not to mention urgency. To that I say: genius! Next in the pipeline: drugs that simultaneously cure baldness and excessive hair growth, reduce and increase appetite, and always popular supplement to treat insomnia and help you stay awake at the same time.
I thought of another item to put on my bucket list (if it existed): I’d like to become a groupie (or is at a roadie? I need to get my terminology straight before I do it) for a mini donuts stand:
I’d just follow this thing around the country and feed exclusively on “Lil’Orbits” until I die happily and quietly from clogged arteries at some random state’s fairgrounds. Now you could say that I should buy this miracle machine and stay home, but what do I do with my free spirit?
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
My parents always chided me for hunching and looking down, but, it turns out, I always knew what I was doing. For the non-filthy report on FiestaKC check out Happy In Bag.
Wilhelm Keitel signs the final German Act of Unconditional Surrender
People eagerly reading New York World-Telegram newpapers w. the headline NAZIS GIVE UP/SURRENDER TO ALLIES AND RUSSIA ANNOUNCED, at newsstand in Times Square as people gather for massive end to war in Europe celebration.
Two million people gathered in Times Square to celebrate the end of the war in Europe.
Female Russian soldier grinning broadly while showing off her medals and a US Army Officer's insignia pinned to her shirt after the Allied troops met following the fall of Berlin.
Russian soldier standing amid rubble in Adolf Hitler's command bunker where he and his mistress Eva Braun were alleged to have committed suicide, under the Reichschancellery bldg.
US soldier talking with Russian soldier.
Female Russian soldier and American trooper happily sitting together after meeting near the city of Torgau; by Davis Scherman & John Florea.
Russian Vistory Memorial in Treptow, Soviet sector of Berlin.
Today is the Victory Day or as it’s known here -- Victory in Europe day. I wrote about it last year and I don’t have much to add -- not much has changed except the number of veterans who are still with us is getting smaller every year. Instead I will link to a post from a very talented photographer and one of the most popular Russian bloggers about an effort to finally recover the bodies of the Soviet soldiers lost on a battlefield, uncover their names if possible and more than 60 years later give them the honors they deserve. There are hundreds of thousands soldiers in the fields like this one, one of them is my Grandfather.
Monument To The 146 Soldiers Made By The Search Team
The article is translated by Google Translate so the quality may not be perfect but I wanted you to see the photos. These people are true enthusiasts and doing this pretty much on their own time and hardly any financial help. Towards the bottom are some photos of the German Cemetery financed and maintained by the German government.
This song titled “The Victory Day” became an anthem of this day:
After reading an article in the Pitch imploring me to see the Master and Margarita at the UMKC I knew I had to go. The Master and Margarita is one of only a few books that I read more than once and discovered something new every time. It is also one of a few Russian masterpieces that no matter how well translated could not be fully understood by a foreigner (that would be you); it’s somewhat similar to me trying to decipher Cris Packham’s pop-cultural references (not that I don’t try). The book was written during the times of the strictest censorship when even a hint of anti-Soviet criticism could literally threaten the writer’s life and that’s why Mikhail Bulgakov had to insinuate just as much as he wrote down. The average Soviet reader could easily read “between the lines” and see the satire in the most innocent dialogues and descriptions. Some of the references were to the specific characters in the author’s life and are not easily recognizable but the barbs thrown at the Soviet bureaucrats, censors, informers, dimwits, careerists, sellouts and the regime itself were obvious to the people who still encountered them in their everyday life for another 50 years after the book was written.
Not too many people risked producing it on the stage or on the screen, it could not be easily condensed and the characters were so well-known and beloved that any such attempt would be criticized by the fans. That’s why I was pretty skeptical going to the UMKC performance. I didn’t expect the cast to have an understanding of the book required to convey it onto the stage and it couldn’t possibly be shortened to fit into the regular length of the theater performance. What I saw was pretty amazing and truly one of the best theatrical performances I’ve seen in my life -- honest, funny, enthusiastic, smart, inventive and, although not very close to the book, with plenty of Blugakov’s spirit in it. Once you get past the fact that some male roles are played by girls (i.e. Koroviev and Azazello), the character of the devil -- Woland is wearing hooves, and the Cat Behemoth is a black guy with the red Mohawk dressed in some kind of leather corset and a shaggy trench coat, everything else falls in place. The actors were outstanding but Patrick DuLaney who played Woland was on par with the Russian actors who played this role in the movie versions of the Master and Margarita. He was able to convey Woland’s millenniums-old age, his exhaustion with life, his disgust with people which could only be defeated by the true love and selfless sacrifice. Julane Havens as Margarita was also very impressive, as a sensitive, sensual, defenseless but determined woman ready to sacrifice everything just to be with Master. The actress who played Hella gets a special mention, nice job keeping every male eye locked on the stage!
I also would like to specifically praise the costume and stage design. The Soviet people are all dressed in the same gray uniforms lovingly adorned by red stars; even their underwear is gray (as was revealed later and you missed it). I also liked the use of projection screens.
During the show I (illegally) made a few videos, sorry, serious-looking-bearded-usher-guy, I didn’t spend years in the KGB school in the USSR to be told what to do by the Man.
(By the way, in the bottom part of these videos you’ll see a jackass who didn’t feel it was necessary to take his stupid hat off in the theater; maybe the usher should have concerned himself with this view-obstructing clown instead of making sure I can’t record a low-quality video.)
After the show I overheard one lady ask her friend if she enjoyed the show, “it was too weird” was the reply. It’s hard to convey the whole complexity of the book on the stage to an unprepared viewer, but to people who understood it was an amazing effort worthy of a professional venue.
P.S. Alan Scherstuhl is my new Facebook friend on the condition that I will never have to pronounce his last name.
How didn’t I think of that? A huge billboard with the words “Your Wife Is Hot” and lots of white space – what could be a better candidate for a caption contest. Several people pointed out that this is probably a part of a larger multi-step marketing campaign; who could forget last year’s gimmicky promo for who-knows-what. Continue reading New Caption Contest: Win A Free Subscription
Kansas City, MO. When Kansas City’s most famous beer blogger Bull E.Vard was standing in the middle of the cavernous Twin Cities IKEA updating his Facebook with the message about tasting “smoked roe cheese spread” he didn’t know he was texting the beginning of a love story. “I just felt like I needed to share the news with the world”, said Mr. Vard during the phone interview, “I am a big believer in the social media and this was something I wanted all my readers to know”. Another Kansas City blogger meesha.v was on the verge of giving up hope of finding love. After a few short affairs with the salmon-flavored cream-cheese and onion dip he almost resolved to live out the rest of his life without finding the someone he could love. She had to be cheesy, but not overly so, with complex slightly fishy taste; looks mattered too. When he read Bull’s message:
I sampled a surprisingly good smoked roe cheese spread. I may bring home a tube of it.
he immediately knew that this could be the one. Being Swedish was a definite plus. He asked Bull E.Vard to pick up a few and waited impatiently. Last Friday under the H&R Bloch clock tower they were finally reunited. “I slept only 3 hours in the past three days” said excited m.v., “but it was totally worth the wait”. It was love at the first sight. Co-workers and friends noticed immediate change in m.v. “He used to be so sad and now there is a twinkle in the back of his eye” said one anonymous tipster. m.v. is not sure about his plans for the future, but one thing is clear: social media takes matchmaking to the whole new level. “This made a believer out of me” said m.v. “it sure did”
In real life it was even more exciting than in this press release. When Bull E.Vard delivered two tubes of Kalles Kaviar I immediately knew I should have ordered a case because that’s all I am going to eat for the rest of my life. Well, that and the delicious lingonberry preserves he was also kind enough to buy for me.
I didn’t think that anything but the real bread is worthy of the Kaviar, so I baked one.
Then I couldn’t stand the wait any longer:
First, I squeezed the tube:
Then, gently spread it on the bread:
Then, oooooo…ooooooo,mmmmm, there was nothing left. I needed a kleenex napkin. Must be the delicious taste of that “rapeseed oil” and “oeufs de poisson fumes”
Due to my bad memory I now have to write down the things that grind my gear-skiy, which grinds my gear-skiy even more. So lets just get to this month’s edition:
